鈥淒arlin鈥�, it鈥檚 time to clean Pooky-cat鈥檚 potty-box.鈥�

Right鈥� she got the cat; I got the litter box.

Ever cleaned a litter box? Well, it鈥檚 an experience, I could do without. Simple, right? Wrong. Required tools and equipment list is long. There are two ways to clean a litter box. You can get the little, slotted shovel and fish those hard brown marbles out of the sandy litter, trying not to gag. Required are a gas mask, slotted shovel, dainty little rake, plastic bag, plastic gloves and a strong stomach. Don鈥檛 forget the April-fresh-always-clean-little-lady-air-freshener spray.

This first method is called 鈥渢he fish 鈥榥鈥� drop鈥� method鈥� no relation to a wonderful day on the lake with beer and sandwiches. Keeping your nose and eyes as far away from the litter as possible, pretend you鈥檙e a kid at the beach fishing for coins in the sand. Sift the sand through the slots in the shovel and drop the marbles into the plastic bag, try to avoid barfing. This is where the dainty, little rake comes in handy. Comb the litter bringing marbles to the top鈥� then fish them out. Continue until no more marbles are found. Spray the April-fresh-always-clean-little-lady-air-freshener around and you鈥檙e done鈥� except for disposing of the bag of brown marbles you have collected. So, it鈥檚 into the garbage pail with this dainty, little package. This method can be done several times before you have to actually bring in the heavy-duty equipment and change the litter.

When should the litter box be cleaned?鈥� when the pungent scent of 鈥淓au De Ammonia鈥� assails your nostrils and takes your breath away or when Pooky-cat sticks her head into the potty box, coughs, gags, backs up and crosses her legs tightly enough to make her eyes water. Let me tell you, the job of the 鈥渙fficial potty-box cleaner鈥� is a thankless one. If you鈥檙e stuck with it you鈥檒l soon learn, it鈥檚 better to clean often鈥� thus you don鈥檛 chuck your cookies each time.

Completely emptying and cleaning the litter box is really a covert, under-cover-of-darkness job. After lunch, while the neighbours are having their afternoon siestas, go to the garden and, under the pretense of digging out some weeds, make a hole. It must be deep enough to hold the entire foul smelling and disgusting contents of the litter box. Later, by the light of the moon, without the aid of a flashlight, sneak out to the garden and empty the litter into the hole. Rake the pile of loose soil on top of the litter and escape. If done correctly, you won鈥檛 gag, your eyes won鈥檛 water and the neighbours鈥檒l be none-the-wiser. Everything in the hole鈥檒l decay and plants growing on this spot later will thrive. You鈥檒l be the envy of the neighbourhood鈥� tomatoes the size of softballs, zucchini that would make a football blush, and squash, big enough to feed the hockey team. Your neighbours鈥檒l be hounding you for your secret鈥� you can modestly say, 鈥淭he cat鈥檚 got my tongue.鈥�

William S. Peckham is a 琉璃神社 author and freelance columnist. If you have a comment or question about his stories or his novels you are invited to contact Bill at peck102mch@yahoo.ca

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